Thursday, November 27, 2008

random random

Sorry all, long hiatus again.
Since I have nothing much to say, allow me to ramble a bit. You can treat this as a filler post if you want.

1. I met Joseph Teoh in The Gardens today! I am so excited! Wahaha! Okay that was lame. but this Joseph guy is a writer for Harper's Bazaar, and he was also featured in one of their articles 2 months ago. He has amazing fashion sense(much better than Brendan's =P), and oh did i mention that he's absolutely cute too? *swoons* I have been nursing a secret crush on him ever since I saw that feature, I think he's just soooo perfect! =P (yeah I know my taste in idols is sorta weird, but still...) Anyway it was kinda a waste that I didn't go up to him to take a photo together since he was on the escalator down and we were on our way up. Sigh...

2. Twilight is finally out! and yeah we were in the Gardens to watch it today. I thought it was not bad, though it can get a lil cheesy and corny at some parts. I liked that the movie stuck to the book's storyline pretty well, but for those who haven't read it, the movie may seem a lil boring.. I do feel somewhat embarrassed for actually liking such a cheesy story, but hey, it's the stuff fairytales are made of! Think 英雄救美,lead guy with super powers, forbidden love...kick me for still loving such stuff at my age, but hey, a girl can still dream, eh? =)

3. And yes, criticism. I guess age has somewhat 'hardened' me, criticism doesn't affect me as much as it did when I was younger. People can give me advice, but whether I choose to believe and take it or not is entirely another matter. I'd like to think I'm mature enough to weigh the things people say to me in an objective manner, and to not let it affect me in a negative way. I love the way I am, and I have no plans to change that! I certainly do not live solely to please others. (don't worry my dear friend, I still love you okay? =P )

4. I am positively grateful for the lack of drama in my life. I like peace. Peace is good.

Till I have something more interesting to write about!


Thursday, November 13, 2008

tick tock

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.

She looked at the pink clock hanging on her bedroom wall, and glanced around her princess-styled bedroom.
She remembered the time when she and her parents had just moved into this house.
Oh, how high hopes they had, to make a home out of the new house.
She remembered the day she came back from school,
how she could barely contain her excitement when her parents said they had a surprise for her,
and how she squealed with joy when she saw her new bedroom with all the new furniture!
the queen-sized bed with tall posters complete with a powder-pink fluffy comforter, a mauve wardrobe with sliding doors, and the little pink study table at one side.
And of course, she remembered seeing her parents, smiling with indulgence at their little girl's joy.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.

She remembered the time when her parents threw a surprise party for her 10th birthday.
She remembered that her house was decorated according to a fairytale theme, with white cotton sprinkled with shiny glitter on the floor and couches, colourful ribbons hanging from the ceilings, and of course, all her classmates who were wearing white fairy wings on their backs.
She remembered how her father put a tiara studded with real crystals on her head, and told her she would always be the princess of his heart.
She remembered the diamond necklace her parents had bought for her birthday present,
oh, how it sparkled and shone!
but the thing shining even more brightly was her parents' smile and all their love.
And how lucky she felt to be born as their only daughter.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.

She remembered the first time her father came home with lipstick on his collar.
She remembered standing outside her parents' room and hearing them scream at each other,
punctuated with her mother's crying and her father's occasional steely silences,
and the loud slap that followed.
She remembered she had walked slowly back to her room and lay down on her bed,
how she tried to close her eyes to forget the moment,
how she tried to muffle the sounds of her mother crying by pressing her pillow on her head,
how she realised, after a while, that her pillow was also wet.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.

She remembered the day her father asked if she would like to live with him.
She remembered how she looked up at him, puzzled.
"But I'm already living with you."
The strange, almost forced smile her father gave her, that only added to her bewilderment.
The day when a man called 'Judge' decided that she should live with her mother. Only.
The day when she would see her father for the last time.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.

She remembered how her mother began to drink.
How the bottles kept piling up in her bedroom,
how she would cry for hours on end,
how she always told her she hated 'that bastard'.
She remembered suddenly being poor,
how her mother never went to work, even after her father left.
how they had to rely on money from her father, which never came on time,
how she didn't even have money for meals, and had to ask her friends for it.
And of course, she remembered how her friends left her, one by one, when she could no longer invite them to parties and give them pretty things, until the day she sat alone in the school cafe for the very first time.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.

She remembered the day she had her period for the first time.
She didn't even know it was her 'period'.
All she knew was, she was bleeding and bleeding.
She thought it was cancer, and she was going to die.
But she had no one to turn to for help.
Her mother was not around, she was never around.
So she cut up her old clothes and used it to soak up the blood, but it wouldn't stop.
She only knew that she wasn't going to die, when after a few days, she finally mustered the courage to ask her teacher if cancer made people bleed to death.
She remembered her relief, when her teacher told her the bleeding was part of being a girl.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.

She remembered the day S came to her,
asked her if she would like a job 'entertaining men'.
She remembered her elation when she realised the money she made could support her mother and her, without having to rely on her father's money.
She remembered the first time, which was a little scary,
she didn't realise men liked to be 'entertained' this way.
But it wasn't a difficult job, and she needed the money,
and besides, her mother was never at home, and she wouldn't care anyway.
And how after a while, she learned to separate herself from her body during all those nights, convincing herself that things would soon be better.
And she remembered, the joy she felt when she could buy the things she wanted with the money she made herself, without having to beg her father for it.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.

She remembered the day her mother came home, with a man by her side.
She told her she was getting married to him.
She remembered how the man looked at herself,
the look he gave her was exactly the same as the men she'd 'entertained'.
She remembered, when her mother went out of the room,
how he had tried to do the same things the men did to her.
She remembered how she'd told her mother about him and what he did,
but instead of confronting him, her mother screamed at her,
"You jealous, scheming, ungrateful child! Don't you dare to say such things about him! Ever!!"
And of course, she remembered the tight slap her mother gave her.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.

She remembered the day S died.
She remembered seeing her becoming frailer and weaker, day after day.
How she had to stop work because the boss said "she would frighten the men away."
She remembered asking S what was her illness, but she never would tell her.
She remembered attending her funeral, and hearing the word 'AIDS' for the very first time.
That was when she realised that her job could make her die.
She remembered the day she went to the clinic for a checkup,
when the doctor told her she too, was going to die.
Maybe in 5 years, 10 years. the doctor couldn't be sure.
But what he was sure of, was the fact that it was going to be a slow and painful death.

That was when she made her decision.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.

Slowly, she closed her eyes.
Her bloodied wrist fell to the bed she was lying on.


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

of being sick and being a (future) pharmacist

So yours truly was down with a 38C fever and diarrhoea yesterday.
It's been such a long time since I was sick, I almost forgot how horrible it felt to actually be sick!
The fever had me feeling as though my body was falling to pieces, literally, and I could only manage to down a cup of milo-kosong and a little fish and eggs during dinner the whole day.
And I slept the whole day, I couldn't even sit up for more than half and hour without having to lie down again.

But what was interesting was, despite how terrible I felt for the whole day, I actually managed to wake up at 11pm (I was sleeping, remember?) just in time to watch Forensic Heroes. Talk about drama addiction!

And somewhere in the day, I was lying down on the couch beside my grandma's chair, as I felt too weak to sit at the study table and I couldn't sleep in my upstairs bedroom as it was too warm. So there I was, half-dead (or so it seemed at that point) and trying to sleep, my dear grandma beside me was going like, you musn't wash your hair, you musn't bathe, you must drink more milk to get better (not! milk gives me indigestion, even more so when I'm sick), then launched into a detailed description of her illness, namely her inability to shit (from chronic laxative use), headaches, and leg pain. I mean, I know you must feel horrible from all those illnesses you suffer from, but couldn't you just let me sleep in peace when I'm sick? And me being the 'xiao bei' couldn't rebuke her and had to listen to her rant and rave..and felt even more like dying. Why can't my grandma be more like those doting ones out there? Why can't she just pat me and say something like, dear, just go to sleep, you'll be fine. Simple and to the point, and that would certainly make me feel less like dying. hmm.


So I was reading a few blogs written by angry and pissed off pharmacists, courtesy of chingyik's blog.

If being a pharmacist warrants me to put up with all those sh*t, I couldn't help thinking, I would much rather be a housewife than a pharmacist...
I mean, I actually like cleaning (my housemates will testify to this!) and I think I'd make a good cook if given a chance to learn, and I absolutely hate conflicts. Of any sort. The only thing I'm not so sure of is child-rearing. As it is for now, I have no intention to have more than one kid (if I do get married, god forbid...), and as a general rule, I don't like kids. Period.
Or maybe because the kids I have come across so far are the loud-mouthed, rambunctious, and typhoon-resembling sort......

Then again, maybe MY kids will be different. muahaha...

Anyway, speaking of kids, my heart really goes out to the children of the 2 neighbouring households around my home.

Both have equally bad-tempered and loud-mouthed (and sometimes, foul-mouthed) mothers, and the things they scream at their offspring would have mortified even a hard-cored adult, much more an innocent child.
And if you've noticed by now, the reason why I'm writing this is mainly because I can actually hear what they yell, clear to the core. And do bear in mind that both households are not directly beside my house, one is behind mine and a house away, the other is across the street and a few houses away to boot! These mothers must have a large lung capacity indeed...or maybe they have a lot of 丹田气...
I really pity those children though. It isn't their fault that they were born into such terrible households, and truthfully, I would put the blame squarely on the parents if their kids were to grow up into troubled teens (and adults!).

You know, sometimes when the going gets tough (ie. when I, erm, love my parents less than usual), I just have to look at these families to know I'm luckier than many people. =)

Friday, November 7, 2008

of parents, swearing, and my future

Hello everyone!

So how did you enjoy my short story? =)

As I'm typing this, a few things have happened.

1. I passed my Sem 4 EOS. *wheeee!!*
2. Obama is the new president of the States.
3. The parents have finally voiced their disapprovement of my swearing.
4. And mom has suggested for me to do my housemanship and work (forever?) in my hometown.

First things first.
Sem 4 EOS was no easy feat, mark my words. A few of my friends felt that Sem 3 was more difficult, but I personally feel I have struggled more this semester. After almost every paper I was convinced I'd fail the paper (much to the irritation of my besties!), but then again I passed!...... so I must have been wrong. I'd already tried to study consistently in Sem 4 but I still found Eos quite strenuous, so I guess I'll have to step up my efforts in Sem5! But then again I'm the sort who makes resolutions but never really keeps to them, so........sigh.

I haven't been really following the US presidential elections so far, I'd always thought it wasn't relly any of my business...but I have friends who would beg to differ! There was just one interesting thing I'd noted after Obama's win: our Malaysian leaders actually said that "it is just as possible for a person from a minority group in Malaysia to become the PM." Hmm....sounds encouraging, but as far as I know, in Malaysia, UMNO president=Malaysia PM, and only malays (obviously non-minorities) can be an UMNO member, so technically the good minister's view is not feasible....unless they change the rules, of course. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

And oh yes, the swearing. I must clarify that I do not use 'bad' words, my swearing only consists of the word sh*t, and nothing else. No b-words, no f-words, nothing. It's mainly a way for me to release my emotions especially during sports, and I do use the word occasionally in my normal life. I don't think it's wrong, I actually think it's good for my (mental) health since I don't like to throw temper tantrums, and my 'sh*tting' helps me to vent my anger in a 'proper' way. I'm not hurting anyone by doing that, am I? But then again I have been trying to cut down on the swearing, mainly because I know some people can't accept it, and it may make me seem like I'm someone I'm not. But somehow when the parents tell me off on this, I go all defensive and the interesting thing is, once they brought that up, I feel even more like swearing, just to irk them! Oh well, maybe I'm not past my rebellious stage yet?....maybe it's a sign I'm still young hahaha.

And of course, the last one. I know my parents have been almost expecting me to return to my hometown after I finish my studies to work for the government. In other words, I'd have to stay in my parents' house even after I graduate and theoretically become an adult! I know, it's sort of the right thing to do since I'm the only daughter and I'm supposed to be filial to them and all, but now that I've left home, I realised I really can't stay together with my parents for too long a period. They still treat me like a kid, and they still make my decisions (big and small) for me. I know it's a sign of their love, but hey, the fact is, I'm NOT a kid any longer. I mean, if I don't want to do something, people can't MAKE me do it, can they?...but as for my parents, I feel bad if I don't follow their instructions, and I feel bad if I give in to them as well! What's a girl to do?..

And besides if I do return to Ipoh after I graduate, that means what I'd be doing for the rest of my life would be to go to work, come home, sleep. That's it. No entertainment (my parents are adamantly against shopping and clubbing...even karaoke is frowned upon!), no dates (dad would probably beat the hell out of any guy who comes to pick me up from my house), nothing. Zilch. And what's more in such a small town my entertainment and god forbid, dating choices would be drastically reduced. In other words, my life would be reduced to one word: boring. And very possibly, mediocre. AND I DON'T WANT A LIFE LIKE THAT!!!

Or maybe I'm thinking too much. I?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

the letter (not the one from IMU!)

Anne looked at the unopened letter in her hands. The name on it, slightly familiar yet so strange, seemed to stare at her back in her face, as if challenging her to open it. It wasn't that she didn't want to, but she feared what might be contained in the letter.

It wasn't that long ago, was it?...
The event seemed to have happened just yesterday.
But it felt like an eternity.

She had wanted to forget, but the memories kept flooding back.

Many years ago...

Anne and Jenny were the best of friends. They met in primary school, and cliched as it may sound, they hit it off instantly, did everything together, shared all their secrets, and they lived blissfully in their own world, no one else could join in. Their personalities were by no mean alike. Jenny was the gregarious one, Anne, the quieter of the two. Perhaps it was because they complemented each other so well, the girls got along like a house on fire despite their differences. They even got into the same college in KL, which cemented their friendship further.

It was also at Jenny's 18th birthday party that Anne met Jake.

As a matter of fact, Anne had already known all about Jake long before she met him. Jake was Jenny's latest crush, and Jenny had spared no details telling Anne all about 'her wonderful Jake'. He was a transfer student, had came back to Malaysia after spending his teenage years in Melbourne, spoke with an Aussie twang, was captain of his basketball team back in high school. Jenny invited him to her party via a mutual friend, and Anne could see that she was certainly dressed to impress that night. And Anne could see that Jake was exactly what Jenny liked in a guy: tall, slightly tanned, sporty, outgoing, and absolutely cute to boot! However when she was introduced to him by Jenny, Anne felt that his reaction to Jenny was less than lukewarm. He even seemed to be a little embarrased by all her attentions. And it was Jenny who suggested that Anne take Jake to the garden for 'a little fresh air' while she attend to the other guests.

Somehow, Anne seemed to have made an impression on Jake that night, because the next day, he asked her out for a study date at the library. At first she didn't want to, fearing that Jenny might be mad at her, but surprisingly Jenny seemed to be okay with it. She even asked Anne to sing her praises more in front of Jake. Anne remembered thinking, how nice it must to be Jenny: rich, pretty, gorgeous body...everything was the opposite of herself. Not that Anne was ugly, the truth was far from that, but people would always notice Jenny before herself. Anne decided to play along, she thought she could talk about Jenny the whole time with Jake and he'll see what a great girl Jenny is, and perhaps he'll change his mind...

But surprisingly Anne and Jake 'clicked' together immediately. He loved classical works from Jane Austen, just like her, and he too preferred to relax with a good book instead of partying or clubbing the night away. And there was definitely chemistry. Anne felt herself falling in love with Jake, though the niggling voice at the back of her mind told her not to. And she was pretty sure Jake felt the same way about her. It wasn't long before they became a couple, much to the chagrin of Jenny, but she seemed to come around relatively quickly, and her friendship with Anne suffered no damage. Jenny gave her blessings to the couple, and Anne and Jake were blissfully happy together then.....

It was 6 months into the relationship when Anne got a call from Jake, asking to break up with her.

And the reason?
Jenny was pregnant with his child.
And they were going to marry in 2 weeks' time.

Anne remembered she had responded to the call very calmly. She didn't shout, she didn't cry, she just hung up, softly.

The first thing she did was to talk to her father.
She wanted a transfer.
And she got it.
Ironically, it was to a college in Melbourne, the exact same place Jake had stayed in for years.

She never contacted Jenny nor Jake since that day onwards. The betrayal was too deep for her to maintain any contact with them. She couldn't imagine how they got together. Perhaps Jake had been eyeing Jenny when he and Anne were still a couple? She didn't know. What she knew was, she had to get away. ASAP.

And got away she did.

Perhaps it was for the better that Jake left Anne, for 2 years later she met her future husband, the heir to an international logistics company. He was rich, no doubt, but he was also perfectly sweet, grounded, and responsible. And they loved each other for a year before they got married.

Anne was very happy in her marriage. She and her husband had 2 beautiful kids, and she even had her own fashion label, which enjoyed moderately successful sales from its launch. But she missed Jenny terribly all the time. They had been best of friends for years!

So why was she so afraid of them now? Of her memories?

And why was she so afraid of this letter?

She knew that her best friend had wronged her, but at the back of her mind, she knew she wanted to see her again in this lifetime. She was her best friend, after all.

So Anne opened the letter.

Dear Anne,

I can imagine your surprise when you receive this letter. It was by no easy means that I finally got your address. I know you have deliberately avoided me all these years, and I don't blame you. But Anne, today I must tell you the truth, or I will have no peace of mind.

Anne, do you remember why Jake and I married? He told you I was pregnant with his child, didn't he? My dearest Anne, I know how much that must have pained you. But I had no choice. Anne, the baby I was carrying wasn't Jake's at all. Until today I don't know who my son Tom's biological father is. It happened when I was walking back home from a party near my house. I thought I didn't have to take a cab, it was just a few streets away. But that was the biggest mistake in my life, and I regret it until this day.

Anne, I was raped on my way home.

It was Jake who found me in the small alleyway after the horrible incident. I begged him not to tell anyone, and he promised. But soon after that fateful day I realised I was pregnant. I told Jake, and for some reason he insisted on being 'responsible' for me. He wanted us to get married, and he promised he'll take care of the baby until it grows up. Until today I don't know why he decided to do as he did. Perhaps he felt responsible for not coming across me earlier that terrible day, perhaps he thought he himself could have prevented it. I don't know. But I was scared then, and besides I had always liked him, you know I did, Anne. So I succumbed. We decided to lie to you, I didn't want you to know what I had been through. I know you must have been devastated at that time. Believe me, I was almost torn apart by what I did to you. But I was young and scared then, Anne, I didn't know what else I could do.

The reason I'm writing this to you is because I have been diagnosed with Stage 3 lung cancer. The doctors say there is still hope, and Jake and I have been doing our very best to deal with the illness. But if anything were to happen, Anne, I just want you to know that we're very sorry for how things turned out. I hope you are well. God bless.


Anne stared at the letter for a long while.
The fluttering in her heart began to intensify to a consistent throb.
And slowly, the tears which she couldn't shed 20 years ago, finally fell.