tick tock

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.


She looked at the pink clock hanging on her bedroom wall, and glanced around her princess-styled bedroom.
She remembered the time when she and her parents had just moved into this house.
Oh, how high hopes they had, to make a home out of the new house.
She remembered the day she came back from school,
how she could barely contain her excitement when her parents said they had a surprise for her,
and how she squealed with joy when she saw her new bedroom with all the new furniture!
the queen-sized bed with tall posters complete with a powder-pink fluffy comforter, a mauve wardrobe with sliding doors, and the little pink study table at one side.
And of course, she remembered seeing her parents, smiling with indulgence at their little girl's joy.


Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.


She remembered the time when her parents threw a surprise party for her 10th birthday.
She remembered that her house was decorated according to a fairytale theme, with white cotton sprinkled with shiny glitter on the floor and couches, colourful ribbons hanging from the ceilings, and of course, all her classmates who were wearing white fairy wings on their backs.
She remembered how her father put a tiara studded with real crystals on her head, and told her she would always be the princess of his heart.
She remembered the diamond necklace her parents had bought for her birthday present,
oh, how it sparkled and shone!
but the thing shining even more brightly was her parents' smile and all their love.
And how lucky she felt to be born as their only daughter.


Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.


She remembered the first time her father came home with lipstick on his collar.
She remembered standing outside her parents' room and hearing them scream at each other,
punctuated with her mother's crying and her father's occasional steely silences,
and the loud slap that followed.
She remembered she had walked slowly back to her room and lay down on her bed,
how she tried to close her eyes to forget the moment,
how she tried to muffle the sounds of her mother crying by pressing her pillow on her head,
how she realised, after a while, that her pillow was also wet.


Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.


She remembered the day her father asked if she would like to live with him.
She remembered how she looked up at him, puzzled.
"But I'm already living with you."
The strange, almost forced smile her father gave her, that only added to her bewilderment.
The day when a man called 'Judge' decided that she should live with her mother. Only.
The day when she would see her father for the last time.


Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.


She remembered how her mother began to drink.
How the bottles kept piling up in her bedroom,
how she would cry for hours on end,
how she always told her she hated 'that bastard'.
She remembered suddenly being poor,
how her mother never went to work, even after her father left.
how they had to rely on money from her father, which never came on time,
how she didn't even have money for meals, and had to ask her friends for it.
And of course, she remembered how her friends left her, one by one, when she could no longer invite them to parties and give them pretty things, until the day she sat alone in the school cafe for the very first time.


Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.


She remembered the day she had her period for the first time.
She didn't even know it was her 'period'.
All she knew was, she was bleeding and bleeding.
She thought it was cancer, and she was going to die.
But she had no one to turn to for help.
Her mother was not around, she was never around.
So she cut up her old clothes and used it to soak up the blood, but it wouldn't stop.
She only knew that she wasn't going to die, when after a few days, she finally mustered the courage to ask her teacher if cancer made people bleed to death.
She remembered her relief, when her teacher told her the bleeding was part of being a girl.


Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.


She remembered the day S came to her,
asked her if she would like a job 'entertaining men'.
She remembered her elation when she realised the money she made could support her mother and her, without having to rely on her father's money.
She remembered the first time, which was a little scary,
she didn't realise men liked to be 'entertained' this way.
But it wasn't a difficult job, and she needed the money,
and besides, her mother was never at home, and she wouldn't care anyway.
And how after a while, she learned to separate herself from her body during all those nights, convincing herself that things would soon be better.
And she remembered, the joy she felt when she could buy the things she wanted with the money she made herself, without having to beg her father for it.


Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.


She remembered the day her mother came home, with a man by her side.
She told her she was getting married to him.
She remembered how the man looked at herself,
the look he gave her was exactly the same as the men she'd 'entertained'.
She remembered, when her mother went out of the room,
how he had tried to do the same things the men did to her.
She remembered how she'd told her mother about him and what he did,
but instead of confronting him, her mother screamed at her,
"You jealous, scheming, ungrateful child! Don't you dare to say such things about him! Ever!!"
And of course, she remembered the tight slap her mother gave her.


Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.



She remembered the day S died.
She remembered seeing her becoming frailer and weaker, day after day.
How she had to stop work because the boss said "she would frighten the men away."
She remembered asking S what was her illness, but she never would tell her.
She remembered attending her funeral, and hearing the word 'AIDS' for the very first time.
That was when she realised that her job could make her die.
She remembered the day she went to the clinic for a checkup,
when the doctor told her she too, was going to die.
Maybe in 5 years, 10 years. the doctor couldn't be sure.
But what he was sure of, was the fact that it was going to be a slow and painful death.

That was when she made her decision.


Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.


Slowly, she closed her eyes.
Her bloodied wrist fell to the bed she was lying on.


Tick.