Tuesday, July 6, 2010

graduation, and emo-ness.

Today, I have graduated.

I wish I could be one of those unbearably positive people who will say that leaving university is a fresh start to the rest of our lives, and they have high hopes for the future, and such. But I am not.

Instead, I feel an immense sadness. I am sad to leave the major part of my life behind, where I spent most, if not all, my time facing books and exams. I am sad to leave my dear, dear friends with whom I have built a strong bond in these past few years. Indeed I can say, the best friends of my life were made during university life. But then again, a lot of my life has yet to come so I cannot say that for sure…yet. I am also sad to leave the part of my life where I do not have to worry about money and putting food on the table. I feel a little terrified that the money I use in the future, will come from me and myself alone, and I will no longer be able to ask my parents for money should the whim to buy something new and shiny comes along. I will have to carve out portions of my salary and spend it with care, and will also have to scrimp and save a certain amount of money every month to prepare for rainy days (ie. angpau money for friends’ weddings!). I feel sad to leave this place, the place where I spent the busiest yet happiest year of my life. Strangely I feel sad to bid farewell to the gloomy weather in Glasgow, because I enjoyed it so much! Glasgow was a welcome relief from the eternally sunny days in Malaysia, and I feel sorry to leave it behind. I really don’t see myself coming back here for the foreseeable future, and I feel all the more reluctant to leave this country.

My parents flew in to attend my graduation, and they will be leaving tomorrow. I am really happy to see my parents, after six months of talking to them on skype. Not seeing them for an extended time made me even the more aware of the fact that they are not getting any younger as the years go by. I almost forgot how nice it feels to be fussed over by them, and to be able to fuss over them. I am so glad that they did not heed my advice to NOT come to my graduation, because I felt so happy that they are here to share the moment with me. My dad was forever the social butterfly, he was making his way around the crowd of parents and making friends along the way. The most I can summon myself to do is to nod and smile at strangers. I am not cut out to become a PR personnel after all.

Besides feeling sad, I also feel emptiness. An emptiness that stems from my indecisiveness as to where to head after graduating and what to do with the rest of my life. I do not intend to stop studying at this point but I am unsure where to proceed after this degree. Masters of Pharmacy is the obvious choice in our case, but I do not feel an inclination strong enough to sustain me through another two years of studying something that I feel for only half-heartedly. I thought about studying fashion or interior design, my original options in high school, but where would that lead me? Carving my way in the fashion world is no mean feat and I really do not think that I am well suited to that world of air-kisses and frivolity. Another obvious option`is, well, to get married and have kids and take care of them for the rest of my life but that doesn’t seem too appealing for now. I mean I know that will come sooner or later but it isn’t really a good plan to fall back on now is it?

Emoness aside, there is still cause for celebration!

Pic: the mob of paparazzi consisting of parents!

Pic: housemates!

Alright. Despite what I have just said, I really am happy that this day finally came, and it was made even better to be able to share it with my beloved family and friends. Amen. =)


Ergun said...

Congratulations, dude! Your poignancy is killing me. Im a sucker for nostalgia and thinking about undergraduate life, not to mention high school life, is pretty damn depressing because of all the good times (and Im sure they werent all good times). Let's just hope we can replicate some of that feeling in our working lives. Offices, I have to say, arent conducive for that.
Keep in touch!
Bonne chance!

cynthia said...

Thanks Ergun! I sometimes wish I could have your courage and just up and go on a long backpacking trip. But then again I don't know if that will help me find all the answers to life that I am looking for. I do read your blog whenever you post something new, it's great to have someone travel for me, if there's ever such a thing. =) Hope your french has improved much by now!