Thursday, January 8, 2009

on getting older and (hopefully) wiser

It was the first time I felt no joy awaiting my birthday.

I spent my last day of the 22nd year of my life listening to The Carpenters and emo-ing.
Why emo?
Because I couldn't understand why I had to grow older!
I did not feel any different from the time when I was 16. Or 18, maybe.
I still feel the same.
I am still the big bumbling block who falls down a lot;
I am still unable to hold a witty conversation or crack a really funny joke;
I am still the nerd I was when I was 16.
Mentally, I feel exactly the same.
But the numbers on my identity card, unfortunately, seems to tell me a different story!

For some people, being 23 means they already have a stable and moderately paying job.
For some, it means they probably have had their first child.
For others, they may already have started climbing up the corporate ladder and aiming for the post of CEO. Some would already BE a CEO.
(FYI, the current CEO of Malaysian Today, Jessie Soon, was made CEO when she was a mere 21 or 22 years old. So see, I'm not fibbing! )

And me?
I'm still slogging my way through university life and studies..and feeling like I'm slipping down!
Now I know studying a subject that I don't like is no mean feat.
But then again, I have grew to love what I'm doing. Just that I don't have a passion for it, probably. I don't feel as if this is my calling in life, what I was born to do.

At 23, I don't know where exactly my life will lead me. Or where I'll lead my life.
It's kind of pathetic, isn't it? To muddle around in life without a clear perspective.
But yeah, that's what I am. For now, at least.

Sometimes I feel disappointed, actually.
Sometimes I feel like demanding a refund from the God of Age, if there's such a god.
When I was in my teens, I thought being in my twenties would entitle me to a great deal of maturity and vision, and I wouldn't feel like the mess I felt when I was younger.
But unfortunately, my brain stopped growing while my body grew older, somehow.
So technically, I'm am 18-year old trapped in a 23-year-old body.
And even though now I have my visions of what I will be like when I'm in my thirties, somehow I feel I'm gonna be disappointed, once again, when I hit the 30-year-old mark.
For all I know, I would probably be no different from what I am now, perhaps with the addition of a government job and (gasp!) a husband?!
No, I don't think so...for the husband part.
But I don't know.
It's a pity we don't have more people like Alice (in Twilight) huh? It would be so convenient to be able to see the future. To reassure myself that I'm not gonna be the same ole' messy and immature person twenty or thirty years down the road.
Ah now, my Edward, where art thou?


Of course, to give credit where it's due, my dear friends did make an extra effort to make my birthday a memorable one. =)

Unfortunately I had to attend a convo mag meeting and we had classes till 4pm, so any elaborate celebrations were out of the question. But but but! a cake was brought into class while the batchmates sang to me! Yay! =) And I went out for dinner with wenchin, sinwee and doreen at secret recipe's, and I had a fantastic chicken cordon bleu instead of my usual lasagne. =)

A big thank you to Wenchin, Sinwee, Aiwui, and Jane for the Shu Uemura cleansing oil!
你们不愧是我肚子里的蛔虫!To know exactly what I needed..and wanted, but would never buy for myself. =)
And an equally big thank you to all the other friends who got me the Shu Uemura toner. How did you know my toner ran out? So geng! *cough*wenchin*cough*

And to Jocelyn, who painstakingly made a card for me! (assisted by Roxanne, haha)
I love it, it's so cute and funny! =)
which opens up to...

And the card (also wenchin) from all of them:
But she beat me to putting the picture of this card on her blog. humph! Oh well. I daresay it's a commendable effort on Wenchin's part...perhaps another Van Gogh in making? (no I'm not being sarcastic, have you ever heard of a diamond in the raw? well here's one! )

And of course, my darling Wenchin's personal card to me:

Special mention: Lots of hugs and kisses to Jane, who rushed out in the early morning to get my drive safely (and slower) ok? =P And of course Wenchin and Sinwee, who were the main dalang-s behind all the celebrations, I truly appreciate all that you have done for me! Muax!

And to all my friends who gave their wishes before, during and after my birthday via sms, facebook, or friendster, thank you so much for remembering! You can't imagine how much that meant to me.

So yeah, thank you all for lifting me out of my emo-ness. Really. Age, after all, is nothing but a number, right?