Thursday, October 30, 2008

Please leave me alone, I just want to be myself

...but normally, most people don't.
They pepper you with ideas and quirks of their own, and expect you to do, talk, and act the same way as them 'because it's the right way.'

And this spells trouble for me. Big trouble.
I'm the sort of person who tries to please everyone around myself. Even at my own expense, sometimes.
I want to keep the peace and make everyone happy by accomodating them as well as I can.
But sometimes, I just can't.

I too, have my own ideas and way of living.
I can't possibly be exactly like everyone, just to make people accept me.
I can't possibly be doing all the things people want me to do, just to make people like me.

And to a certain extent, this applies to my blog too.
I guess Wenchin was right, I do blog for others, more than for myself.
I write stuff I think people would like to read.
I feel happy when my readership increases. (who doesn't, anyway?)
But sometimes, I also want to blog about stuff that people don't like. Like emo stuff, or things that only I (and perhaps close friends) understand, and not the general public.

As for my friends...
You know, I actually left our KK trip thinking I'd pissed a friend off.
But then I realised it was not the case. So I'd been worrying all that while for nothing.
But then I thought, should I really worry so much even if I did do something that made my friend unhappy? Many people I know, wouldn't.

I think I have a fear of being rejected.
I'm the sort of person who is....socially retarded, if you want to put it that way.
I don't know what and when to say things that make me seem cool. That will make me a popular person
But it seems to me, everyone else knows how to do that. Except me.
So I always have reruns and reruns of conversations in my mind, long after it took place.
I'd think, oh I should have said this instead of that at that particular point, and I shouldn't have said that, it made me look stupid then.
(and yes, I am perfectly clear that having casual conversations taped in my mind is a stupid thing itself.)

But then I think, why do I want to say things to impress others?
Aren't true friends supposed to stick with each other through thick and thin (and silly conversations)?
The people that thought less of me because of what I said or how I acted, and didn't want me as a friend because of that, I'll just have to say, 我们今生注定没有缘分。

Because what defines us, is not what we say, what we do, or how we act, but who we are.

As for not conforming to people's expectations of me,
I reached my own conclusion on how to deal with it.
(how to translate?...erm, as long as what I do is deemed right by the gods and my conscience, I won't have any regrets even if I die.)
Okay, that was a little extreme. But you get what I mean.

I cannot expect everyone under the sun to like me.
And similarly, I won't be able to like everyone equally as well.

I am just trying my very best to live my life the best way I can.

And surely, no one can object to that.


WenYi said...

sweet story^^

and congrats on passing sem 4^^