On eating and food

I think I have an eating problem.

I like to eat, I always had.
I am not discriminating when it comes to food, as long as it hasn't gone bad, it is good food to me.
I eat when I'm hungry, I eat when I'm stressed, I eat when I'm bored.
I eat when I'm with friends, I eat when I study, I eat when I simply have nothing else to do.
Having food in my larder makes me feel safe. Secure, even.
My ultimate relaxing ritual would be to curl up with a book and a bag of chips. (recently switched to raw almonds, it's supposed to be healthier and lower in calories...I think?)
I used to think my eating habits was normal (hey, my family eats just like me ok?) till I went to college and realised people didn't eat as much and as frequently as me.
I like trawling food blogs, especially those with pretty pictures of food. I like to visualise the food in front of me, waiting to be eaten, in all its beauty and splendour.
But funnily I don't much enjoy cooking. Maybe it's because I can't really cook. I just like to eat. To me sometimes cooking is a chore that wastes time, cos I spend one hour cooking then I finish the meal in like, 10 minutes!
At home, there is always something to eat on the dinner table. It may be kayang kok (my favourite!), cake, biscuits, or some tong sui the maid whipped up. Anything, just that there is always something.

And yeah, I know I'm not exactly erm, thin from all the food going down my GI tract.
I wish I could be slimmer. Who doesn't?
But when I went on diets, I felt terrible without all the food I was used to. Granted, I did lose 2kg from my latest diet, the New York Diet, but I felt kinda deprived of real food throughout.

Granted, I do exercise. Used to do so quite regularly, but somehow have slowed down a little this semester. Hmm. Perhaps I should regain my daily aerobics habit....

I know I am not fat. But I'm not thin, either.
Sometimes I wonder if the reason why I am still single and swinging is my body size?..
I mean, given a choice, I would also prefer hunky guys, whom I assume are healthier and takes care of themselves more.
But then again, I can't say I'm not healthy and doesn't take care of myself. Quite the contrary, actually.

I guess it all boils down to self esteem.
Why should I worry about 'what others think' about my body? Sedangkan it's not their body anyway.
Why should I deprive myself of food just to conform to a 'beautiful' body shape?
Anyone can be beautiful, at any size. I mean, just look at Samantha in SATC, she looked absolutely gorgeous post-weight gain, didn't she?
Perhaps it just depends on how we carry ourselves.
If I'm constantly worrying about the size of my thighs, or hips, or anywhere for that matter, then my true personality would be somewhat diminished from all my body hung-ups, wouldn't it?

*but then hor, it would be slightly difficult to not compare yourself to all the gorgeous ladies around you, wouldn't it? hint hint: sinwee *cough* wenchin *cough*


Repeat after myself:
I am beautiful.
I am gorgeous.
I am desirable.

.
.
.
.

okay, even I thought that sounded kinda fake.
But maybe, just maybe, if I say that enough times, I will start to actually believe it's true?..

Ah well. A girl can hope, can't she? =)



+:+:+:+:+

A post-NHSD conversation today:

Actually you look kinda familiar, don't you?


Yeah, we have met before. You're not from Malaysia, right?


Oh, I am Malaysian, just that I spent most of my years in Singapore.
Okay, fine, I am NOT Malaysian. *grins*


Yeah I know, cos J****** told me.


Oh, so J is your friend?


Yeah, she's my housemate, actually. I saw you when you came to our house.


Oh.

....I had a green facial mask on, remember?

OH! So it was you!!....

Yeah that was me.


Names were not revealed to protect people's privacy. =P
But seriously? I mean, even with all the green goop on my face (that was The Body Shop's Tea Tree Oil Facial Mask ok?), he said that I 'looked familiar'?
Gosh.