rant, rant, rant

I hate it when I study hard but don't get good results!

Mana itu theory 'You reap what you sow'? How come I don't see it at all?
It was just the same in my semester 4 EOS. Studied hard but results like shit.
Now pp2 too. 40 questions in the paper, I get 20 wrong. Sei mm sei?

Gone were the days where I could study hard and rest assured that my report card would look reasonably good.
Now, I study hard but I also have to worry about NOT getting good results.
Ah, I know.
I am in a state of high dissonance!
Which would explain my inner turmoil and emo-ness after the class test feedback.

How leh now?
What must I do to get good results? Study more?
But how much more is more? Is enough?
I really envy those who don't have to study really hard but yet always get good results.
Why can't I be like that too?
Or am I just plain dumb?


Anyways.
So I read that some drugs can help students in their pre-exams preparation.
Apparently they increase activity in the prefrontal cortex of the brain so as to increase focus, concentration, and mental endurance. (as in being able to study longer without going siao)
It seems that there were 60% of students in a US university who admitted to taking these drugs prior to their exams.
Earlier drugs like amphetamine and Ritalin, though being able to increase focus and all that, could cause tolerance quite fast and had many physiological side effects as well.
So now they are using drugs for the treatment of ADHD to help them study. Cos it seems these drugs work just as well, but minus the side effects and tolerance.
The catch?
All are POMs. Or illegal.


Now, if I could get my hands on these wonder drugs.......

what else...btn camp la!

Just a quick post on the hot topic that's on the lips of all JPA scholars in IMU: the BTN camp!

Yes, it's unfair.
No, it's not right.
But no, it's not exactly that bad..

(this I understand from various blogs on the camp. One said that the facilitators treated them really well, and most of the marks does not come from the exam but from our participation in classes. and also that we would probably be able to pass our exams without much studying, just a little common sense. now isn't that refreshing?)

When life hands you lemons, the smart people would know how to grab the tequila and salt immediately!

As I see it, there are bound to be many utterly unfair catch-22 situations in life.
This is just the start.
And it can only get worse, when we start working, where *ahem* issues are definitely going to arise, and there is little we can do to help it.

I see this camp issue as a challenge.
Now, if I can go to the camp, pass the camp exam, AND score my class tests, wouldn't that entitle me to smirk in the faces of the BTN people and say 'neh neh neh neh neh' (with the appropriate hand gestures, if possible)?

And yes, I know my results are going to be affected to some degree by this camp, but it is my duty to do my best, no excuses. And if my best just aint good enough, at least I can rest assured that I have acted according to my conscience, nothing less.

You could probably call me a positive thinker, but I'd rather think of myself as invariably practical-minded.

If I AM to go to the camp, and if there WERE to be any racial and religious slurs thrown around by the facilitators (as rumours go), I would sit patiently and smile at them angelically. Why should I let someone who hits below the belt affect me? Why, if I were to be affected, that would mean I'm of the same level as them, wouldn't it? Oh no, I'm staying where I am, thank you very much!

And yes, cramping so much PP and DD information into my brain in such a short span of time is practically crazy, but I'm gonna do the best I can and leave the rest to God.

I believe I am stronger than this.

Now, I'll just have to prove it to myself.



Update 12th Jan 4.50pm: 万岁万岁万万岁！We get to postpone the camp! Thank you so much to Balqis, Siva, and Andrew! You guys are the best! *wide grin*

on getting older and (hopefully) wiser

It was the first time I felt no joy awaiting my birthday.

I spent my last day of the 22nd year of my life listening to The Carpenters and emo-ing.
Why emo?
Because I couldn't understand why I had to grow older!
I did not feel any different from the time when I was 16. Or 18, maybe.
I still feel the same.
I am still the big bumbling block who falls down a lot;
I am still unable to hold a witty conversation or crack a really funny joke;
I am still the nerd I was when I was 16.
Mentally, I feel exactly the same.
But the numbers on my identity card, unfortunately, seems to tell me a different story!

For some people, being 23 means they already have a stable and moderately paying job.
For some, it means they probably have had their first child.
For others, they may already have started climbing up the corporate ladder and aiming for the post of CEO. Some would already BE a CEO.
(FYI, the current CEO of Malaysian Today, Jessie Soon, was made CEO when she was a mere 21 or 22 years old. So see, I'm not fibbing! )

And me?
I'm still slogging my way through university life and studies..and feeling like I'm slipping down!
Now I know studying a subject that I don't like is no mean feat.
But then again, I have grew to love what I'm doing. Just that I don't have a passion for it, probably. I don't feel as if this is my calling in life, what I was born to do.

At 23, I don't know where exactly my life will lead me. Or where I'll lead my life.
It's kind of pathetic, isn't it? To muddle around in life without a clear perspective.
But yeah, that's what I am. For now, at least.

Sometimes I feel disappointed, actually.
Sometimes I feel like demanding a refund from the God of Age, if there's such a god.
When I was in my teens, I thought being in my twenties would entitle me to a great deal of maturity and vision, and I wouldn't feel like the mess I felt when I was younger.
But unfortunately, my brain stopped growing while my body grew older, somehow.
So technically, I'm am 18-year old trapped in a 23-year-old body.
And even though now I have my visions of what I will be like when I'm in my thirties, somehow I feel I'm gonna be disappointed, once again, when I hit the 30-year-old mark.
For all I know, I would probably be no different from what I am now, perhaps with the addition of a government job and (gasp!) a husband?!
No, I don't think so...for the husband part.
But I don't know.
It's a pity we don't have more people like Alice (in Twilight) huh? It would be so convenient to be able to see the future. To reassure myself that I'm not gonna be the same ole' messy and immature person twenty or thirty years down the road.
Ah now, my Edward, where art thou?

+:+:+:+:+

Of course, to give credit where it's due, my dear friends did make an extra effort to make my birthday a memorable one. =)

Unfortunately I had to attend a convo mag meeting and we had classes till 4pm, so any elaborate celebrations were out of the question. But but but! a cake was brought into class while the batchmates sang to me! Yay! =) And I went out for dinner with wenchin, sinwee and doreen at secret recipe's, and I had a fantastic chicken cordon bleu instead of my usual lasagne. =)


A big thank you to Wenchin, Sinwee, Aiwui, and Jane for the Shu Uemura cleansing oil!
你们不愧是我肚子里的蛔虫！To know exactly what I needed..and wanted, but would never buy for myself. =)
And an equally big thank you to all the other friends who got me the Shu Uemura toner. How did you know my toner ran out? So geng! *cough*wenchin*cough*

And to Jocelyn, who painstakingly made a card for me! (assisted by Roxanne, haha)
I love it, it's so cute and funny! =)

which opens up to...

And the card (also handmade..by wenchin) from all of them:

But she beat me to putting the picture of this card on her blog. humph! Oh well. I daresay it's a commendable effort on Wenchin's part...perhaps another Van Gogh in making? (no I'm not being sarcastic, have you ever heard of a diamond in the raw? well here's one! )

And of course, my darling Wenchin's personal card to me:

Special mention: Lots of hugs and kisses to Jane, who rushed out in the early morning to get my gifts...do drive safely (and slower) ok? =P And of course Wenchin and Sinwee, who were the main dalang-s behind all the celebrations, I truly appreciate all that you have done for me! Muax!

And to all my friends who gave their wishes before, during and after my birthday via sms, facebook, or friendster, thank you so much for remembering! You can't imagine how much that meant to me.

So yeah, thank you all for lifting me out of my emo-ness. Really. Age, after all, is nothing but a number, right?

Dear God,
Can I not become one year older tomorrow?

just complaining

It's what I do best anyway. Complaining. =)

Before that, I have a lil' question to ask.
Am I really that muscular?

Some time ago, a guy friend of mine told me that I had very muscular forearms, and he'd seldom seen girls with muscles like that. Bizarrely, he asked me to do the 'Mr Malaysia pose' , that is to bend the arm 90degrees in front of the chest and flexing the muscles..can you imagine it? And all along I thought I was a 100% girly sort of girl type! (and in fact, the guy himself was the muscular one to boot! you can only think how embarrased I felt at that time.)

Then a few days ago, one of my badminton kaki-s (a guy too) commented that I had 'big' forearms, and asked if I practised taekwando. ?! Then he said also said, oh, seldom got girls with such muscle-y forearms. He's the youngest among all the male kaki-s so we got along fairly well (the others are all 'uncles') and I laughed along with him, but in my mind I was like, help!

See, I want to be muscular (as opposed to being flabby), but not to the extent that guys start noticing and commenting on them! Oh well...


+:+:+:+

Yet another complaint.

I don't like it when my mom and grandma speak to each other using the foochow dialect!
The thing is, even I have listened to it for pretty long, I still can't understand 100% of what they're saying. At best, I understand 70-80%, and I can't speak a word of the dialect! And neither can my dad. (we're both cantonese) So when mom and granny start talking foochow, me and dad have to 收声 (shut up). We can't join in the conversation! And I feel really uncomfortable. I feel as if we're.....ostracized? Diketepikan? Sorta like that I guess. And I don't like it! we're a family, we live together. So this shouldn't be happening! I mean, my grandma can speak and understand mandarin perfectly, so why can't all of us speak mandarin so everyone can understand? I don't think I'm being unreasonable here, am I?

(FYI, I told my mom about this, but they still speak in foochow to each other...old habits die hard...le sigh...)


Now that I think about it, it's exactly what Siva would feel when he's with us.. one indian with a group of chinese ppl.....speaking chinese! Like, you kinda know what's going on but you don't really know what's going on, and you can't join in the fun because you don't speak the language!

Siva, I'm so sorry....=P

of meeting a former best friend

Yesterday something happened that made my very happy.

Because I met KC after a very, very long time.

KC was my best friend in high school. We sat next to each other in classes and often 'hang out' together with two other friends, you could probably call us a 'gang' I guess. Although our characters weren't that similar, we got along quite well, and had a great time during those three years. She was more of the quiet one, though I wasn't exactly talkative (the other two friends were =P ).

KC left Ipoh for matriculation after Form 5, and I left for National Service and subsequently, to do my A-levels in INTEC, so we parted ways after Form 5, and seldom saw each other. She got a place in UKM to study medicine while I got into IMU for pharmacy. Somehow we never got around to seeing each other although Bukit Jalil and Cheras (that's where she is) isn't that far away, and somehow I always felt she was very busy all the time, and didn't want to disturb her. Or perhaps I'm just a lousy friend. =P And besides (I say this with embarrassment) I'd met plenty of new friends in college and university, which kept me fairly busy, and I never did get to meet up with my high school friends when I was back in my hometown.

So you can imagine my excitement when I realised that the both of us were on the same bus back to Ipoh. =)

I actually saw her in the LRT to the bus station. I thought, hmm, this person looks very much like my friend! Then I saw her wearing an old-ish club t-shirt and jeans, and thought, hmm, her fashion sense is also like my friend. Then I thought, could this be KC?? But then as I stared at her, I thought she looked back at me too, and she showed no signs of recognition, so I thought I'd got the wrong person. But then when I went down the platform to board my bus, I saw her again....and this time there was no mistake, it was definitely her! Perhaps by now you'd be thinking, what a lousy friend you are cynthia, just a few years down the road and you can't even recognise your best friend? As a matter of fact I also think the same way, but you must also take into account the fact that I haven't seen her in more than 2 years..Do I get to be forgiven? =)

So I changed my seat to the one beside her, and we chatted non-stop throughout the entire 2.5-hour journey. We exchanged information, gossiped (but there was a lack of topics since I don't know her current friends and she doesn't know mine), talked a little about the future (like where we planned to do our housemanship), and also a little about boys (but then again there was a lack of topics since the both of us were always single and are currently very much so too). I only hope we didn't disturb the passengers sitting around us with our chattering and laughing! In short, we had a great time on the bus. It was the best bus journey I had!

Maybe she doesn't know this, but I owe her a great debt. She was the one who 'rescued' me from my 'gang-less' state in high school. She and the other 2 friends made me feel as if I belonged to a group, truly belonged and loved for who I am. If not for her, I would not have gained the confidence to make and keep friends and to believe that I myself am worthy as a friend as well.


+:+:+:+:+

So I'm home!
Been enjoying the company of the parents so far. Perhaps I haven't been around for long enough to irritate them. =P

I have high hopes for my 2-week holiday. I intend to at least complete half of my DD3 lab report, finish my posology and case law tutorials reports, and do a bit of studying.

Am keeping my fingers crossed that I will stick to my plan. =)


xoxo

hangover w/o alcohol

I can't believe I'm suffering from a post-party hangover.
A post-class-party hangover, to be exact.
And no, no alcohol was served. But I think there's actually such a thing as adrenaline overdose, though technically alcohol is a depressant and adrenaline a stimulant and they aren't supposed to produce the same effect, but still....

I am so. freakin. tired.

There has been a consistent throb at the back of my head since I woke up this morning. Nothing too serious, but that niggling little hammer at the back of my head is becoming increasingly irritating...

Is this a hangover? I don't know. But I realised that recently I have become increasingly easily tired, especially after a day of shopping or some other particularly energy-sapping activity. How ironic it is, for me to go shopping 'to relax' but then I have to spend another day to recuperate from the 'relaxing'. =P

But anyway, to give credit where it's due, the flowers did a great job with the class party, they single-handedly organised it from scratch. (but I think they got a little help from the side as well..)

+:+:+:+:+

So I'll be having a 2-week holiday starting tomorrow.
It's perfect, really.
I needed to get away from IMU for some time, and I wanted to spend some time with the parents before school reopens and they don't have much time for me even when I'm home.
And speaking of parents, they actually went to Bali without me! Again! And they're planning to go KK in the next school holidays...sans me, of course. That makes it 3 trips without their pesky little daughter, which was unheard of in my family......until recently. =)


Oh and I'm bringing my homework home this time, hopefully my mom (who is better in computer stuff than me, I regret to say) would be able to help me with my Excel spreadsheets for my DD3 lab report! =)

anyways, till then!



xoxo

simple pleasures

Sometimes, it's the simple things in life that counts.

Went for a swim this this afternoon. It was lovely! I had almost forgot how happy it felt to swim and be buoyed by the comforting waters. And the weather was perfect too. We went around 1pm to avoid the crowd and the sun was nicely hidden behind the clouds, and there was just the right amount of sunshine for warmth yet not so much so that we'd get burnt after our swim. The water was also quite clear for vista B standards, I even smelt chlorine in the water.

I have not swam for a few years, I stopped after I took up tennis. When I was young, my parents used to take me swimming every day. And by that I mean every single freakin' day. It got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore and started to rebel in my own little ways. Like refusing to swim freestyle throughout my entire swim even when my dad told me to. I remembered I hated freestyle as my only method of, erm, hair removal was shaving and I often forgot to shave my underarms, so swimming freestyle would make me, ahem, exposed. But dad always said "没有人这样得空看你啦！" But you know how teenagers are like...especially a girl in her puberty years. I was getting increasingly uncomfortable over my change in body shape and of course, the horrible hair growth. So I used to sengaja 'kek' my dad by swimming only in breast stroke the whole time! I know it must not seem particularly rebellious to you, but for me, it's one of the few things I did to irritate my parents on purpose.

Anyway. I'm also enjoying listening to a radio station that plays only piano music. It's perfect for times when I want to study, it doesn't take my attention away from the study material, and it prevents me from falling asleep. How perfect.

There was a time when I downloaded the Turkish March by Mozart, and it turned out to be a 'synthetic' piece. I felt so geli that I deleted the file after listening to it for less than half a minute! I know I must seem like a music snob..must be my classical training in music. But really, I can't stand the use of studio-generated sounds of violin and piano and other musical instruments to play a classical piece! Blasphemous! ( I know, I just used this word in my last post, but it's the only word I could come up with...do forgive my limited vocabulary.)

And I actually had a good time ironing my clothes. Really! It just seemed so...meditative. I could go on and on on autopilot ironing my clothes, and mulling over things that I normally don't have the time to think about. But but but! if anyone dares to ask me to iron their clothes, I will do to them with my red hot iron what Kayin did with her paddle during our whitewater rafting. Haaah!!!

Anyway.
It's sunday tomorrow! Another day for me to relax and feel guilty for wasting time. =)


xoxo

tired + economics talk

Today was really, really, really tiring.

Slept at 4am last night (no thanks to insomnia) and woke up at 7am this morning to prepare for our convo mag photoshoot. Obviously 3 hours of sleep is never enough for anyone to function properly, but still......Jumped around, splashed water, blew bubbles, and smiled until my cheeks hurt for our poolside shoot. Hopefully the pictures turn out to be nice!..

Then went for a talk by our very own Tun Mahathir and Nobel Economics Prize winner Prof. Robert Engle on 'the volatile economics nowadays' at Putrajaya. I originally wanted to go because of the nobel prize winner and I thought economics was sorta my field as I'm a unit trust agent and all, but as it turned out, I slept through most parts of the lecture. I don't know if I was too tired to appreciate the talks but I really couldn't concentrate on Prof Robert's talk on 'how volatile the market was'. I only managed to get some of his points of managing risk in the beginning, then I dozed off.

Actually in the first lecture by the Tun I was nodding off (I think I fell asleep at one point) but the stuff he was talking about was really kinda interesting and somewhat controversial, it managed to keep me half-awake throughout Tun's talk. And besides, it felt....blasphemous to fall asleep when our semi-demi-god of an ex-PM was giving a lecture! But sadly when it came to Prof Robert, I started to see stars.....then clouds.....then darkness. =P

Thankfully I recorded both the lectures, perhaps I'll listen to them when I have the mood?..(which is probably never!) anyone who's interested in the lectures are welcome to take a copy of them from me though!

The funny thing was, when the talk ended it was raining pretty heavily outside, and all of a sudden it started raining inside the lobby of the building as well! Bocor la.....in putrajaya some more! And it was actually 'raining' quite hard in the lobby, until some reporters started taking pictures of the leaking and another actually took a video of it as well! Anything is possible in Bolehland, aint it? =P

And when we were on our way back from Putrajaya, somehow the front window pane of our friend's car dropped into the....crevice? the space in the passenger door? what do you call that place anyway?...and couldn't be raised up again. And it was raining to boot! So we had to visit a car mechanic when we reached vista, and thankfully he managed to solve the problem temporarily...but the friend would still have to go change the spare part for the window to function again.

Then we went for dinner.

Then someone went for a Hep B jab and asked the doctor so many questions. =P


.....

And thus ends my tiring day.

Okay, I know I was rambling. But really, I have not felt so tired ever since...forever? and yet I'm still blogging at this hour. Guilty as charged..for neglecting my health. Oh well.

On eating and food

I think I have an eating problem.

I like to eat, I always had.
I am not discriminating when it comes to food, as long as it hasn't gone bad, it is good food to me.
I eat when I'm hungry, I eat when I'm stressed, I eat when I'm bored.
I eat when I'm with friends, I eat when I study, I eat when I simply have nothing else to do.
Having food in my larder makes me feel safe. Secure, even.
My ultimate relaxing ritual would be to curl up with a book and a bag of chips. (recently switched to raw almonds, it's supposed to be healthier and lower in calories...I think?)
I used to think my eating habits was normal (hey, my family eats just like me ok?) till I went to college and realised people didn't eat as much and as frequently as me.
I like trawling food blogs, especially those with pretty pictures of food. I like to visualise the food in front of me, waiting to be eaten, in all its beauty and splendour.
But funnily I don't much enjoy cooking. Maybe it's because I can't really cook. I just like to eat. To me sometimes cooking is a chore that wastes time, cos I spend one hour cooking then I finish the meal in like, 10 minutes!
At home, there is always something to eat on the dinner table. It may be kayang kok (my favourite!), cake, biscuits, or some tong sui the maid whipped up. Anything, just that there is always something.

And yeah, I know I'm not exactly erm, thin from all the food going down my GI tract.
I wish I could be slimmer. Who doesn't?
But when I went on diets, I felt terrible without all the food I was used to. Granted, I did lose 2kg from my latest diet, the New York Diet, but I felt kinda deprived of real food throughout.

Granted, I do exercise. Used to do so quite regularly, but somehow have slowed down a little this semester. Hmm. Perhaps I should regain my daily aerobics habit....

I know I am not fat. But I'm not thin, either.
Sometimes I wonder if the reason why I am still single and swinging is my body size?..
I mean, given a choice, I would also prefer hunky guys, whom I assume are healthier and takes care of themselves more.
But then again, I can't say I'm not healthy and doesn't take care of myself. Quite the contrary, actually.

I guess it all boils down to self esteem.
Why should I worry about 'what others think' about my body? Sedangkan it's not their body anyway.
Why should I deprive myself of food just to conform to a 'beautiful' body shape?
Anyone can be beautiful, at any size. I mean, just look at Samantha in SATC, she looked absolutely gorgeous post-weight gain, didn't she?
Perhaps it just depends on how we carry ourselves.
If I'm constantly worrying about the size of my thighs, or hips, or anywhere for that matter, then my true personality would be somewhat diminished from all my body hung-ups, wouldn't it?

*but then hor, it would be slightly difficult to not compare yourself to all the gorgeous ladies around you, wouldn't it? hint hint: sinwee *cough* wenchin *cough*


Repeat after myself:
I am beautiful.
I am gorgeous.
I am desirable.

.
.
.
.

okay, even I thought that sounded kinda fake.
But maybe, just maybe, if I say that enough times, I will start to actually believe it's true?..

Ah well. A girl can hope, can't she? =)



+:+:+:+:+

A post-NHSD conversation today:

Actually you look kinda familiar, don't you?


Yeah, we have met before. You're not from Malaysia, right?


Oh, I am Malaysian, just that I spent most of my years in Singapore.
Okay, fine, I am NOT Malaysian. *grins*


Yeah I know, cos J****** told me.


Oh, so J is your friend?


Yeah, she's my housemate, actually. I saw you when you came to our house.


Oh.

....I had a green facial mask on, remember?

OH! So it was you!!....

Yeah that was me.


Names were not revealed to protect people's privacy. =P
But seriously? I mean, even with all the green goop on my face (that was The Body Shop's Tea Tree Oil Facial Mask ok?), he said that I 'looked familiar'?
Gosh.